I just actually wrote an e-mail to a friend I made while I was living up in South Korea. I was explaining that as much as I love Hawai’i, and everything it has to offer me (my family, my good friends, the beach, partying) I still feel like I need more. I’m still not content, and I am selfish, and I want to see more of the world.
I have been struggling with this feeling for the past month or so. I don’t know how to express it, and I don’t really know who to talk to about it, because everybody I know just doesn’t understand. Everyone in Hawai’i knows that one of the best things about this place is that no matter where you go in the world, whenever you come back, it will always be the SAME. Which of course is a GREAT thing! But, on the other hand, after living a (semi) fast paced life, and then coming back, it feels like taking a few steps backward.
Is it wrong to be so selfish at this time in my life? I don’t want to care about anything right now but myself and what makes me happy. So far, this has been the hardest time in my life. During the past couple of months, was the first time in my life I did not have any direction in my life, and I did not know where I was going to be, or what I was going to be doing. I think that was one thing that really bothered me the most, being home in Hawai’i, seeing my closest friends working and striving, while I was idling around, not knowing what I was going to do.
As things turned out, I am slowly starting to get my shit together, and figuring things out. I was telling my friend in my e-mail that I’m very glad I did end up coming home NOW, instead of staying up in South Korea for another two years, because it really opened up my eyes and made me realize that I am an adult, and I need to really get my shit together. Up until the past couple of months, I never really felt like an adult. I never had a “career” and I never really had great responsibility. I know for a fact, I don’t want to be lazy and unmotivated to strive for excellence.
I am moving back to South Korea at the end of June, and I am excited. I feel that now, I have a (semi) plan and I know I can build from there.